Alice’s (Bumpy) Adventures in Maternity Shopping

   

 

A DFW Style Daily first, today we welcome Guest Columnist, Alice Laussade. A James Beard Award-nominated humorist, Alice is currently making a baby from scratch (and Cheetos). Below she shares her bumpy adventures in maternity shopping.

 

 

Maternity swimsuit.

No two-word combo has scared me more in my entire life. When the nice lady at A Pea In The Pod learned of my summer due date and asked me if I had “found a great maternity swimsuit yet,” I almost projectile barfed all over her sweet, helpful face.

Yep, shopping for maternity clothes is less than fun. Seeing as I’m currently making a person from scratch (and Cheetos), however, I have recently tried to find some maternity clothes in Dallas. I would like to share with you the current results of my search.

Warning: This information might be the best birth control ever.

 

 

A Pea In The Pod

 

Pregnant Pro Tip #1: The cutesier the name of the maternity store is, the more money they can charge for clothing.

You want maternity True Religions with a spandex top that you can pull all the way up to your swelling boobs? You got it. For $200. Maybe it’s a good investment. I guess if you’re desperate to have a 7 For All Mankind logo on your butt when you break water, then go for it.

Pregnant Pro Tip #2: Maternity jeans do make the best drunk pants once you’re not pregnant anymore. Maternity jeans were Pajama Jeans before Pajama Jeans existed.

A Pea In The Pod is also the kind of place that will sell you Maternity Spanx. At this time, I would like to take a moment to say a few things about Maternity Spanx. (A) Eff you, Maternity Spanx. (B) Seriously? I already have to go to a fancy party, and now I have to squeeze myself into a sausage casing, too? Watching a lady with a baby-factory-shaped body try to wedge herself into a pair of Spanx is so much worse than watching a regular person wedge herself into a pair of Spanx. It’s as bad as watching Taylor Swift try to dance. Audience reactions to both are the same: confusion, pity, regret, fear, disgust. (C) Obviously, yes they have the pee hole in them.

 

Gap

 

Gap used to have several stores in Dallas that offered maternity clothes, but now most maternity stuff is available online instead.

Pregnant Pro Tip #3: Buying maternity clothes online is like buying a swimsuit online. Everything always looks great in the photos, but then it arrives and it never covers the things you thought it would cover. Pass on the online purchase. Your hormones are too out of whack to handle the results when that box of not-gonna-fit-you shows up.

 

Target

 

Stop it, Liz Lange, nobody wants to look like that.

I’m not sure what you real fashion people call it, but that trend with the sleeves that are fitted at the wrist and then winged to the body? That shit don’t work on pregnant. I tried on one of your tops, Liz Lange, and I looked like the “Before” picture of every trainwreck-dressed person on What Not To Wear.

 

H&M

 

True, there aren’t many maternity options to choose from here, but everything is cheap as hell. Maternity jeans on clearance for $15? This is unheard of, people.

And, unlike the Target purchases I made, everything from H&M fits great. Sure, the clothes probably aren’t going to last more than a year, but if I’m pregnant longer than that, I’m pretty sure I’m doing this wrong.

Pregnant Pro Tip #4: H&M at Galleria Dallas had much more in-store than the website currently shows online. Much of it was discounted, and all of it was awesome. H&M Maternity, you are a Godsend. Thank you for being.

 

At the end of the day, I ended up with a variety of items from most of these establishments. I also splurged on a nice black dress from A Pea In The Pod for events.

But a maternity swimsuit? Screw a buncha that.

 

 

(Photo credits, from top: 1. HM.com, 2. APeaInThePod.com, 3. Gap.com, 4. Target.com, 5. HM.com)